Valleys and Mountains: The Valley

My heart hurts. It hurts and I’m trying to remember that it doesn’t last forever. I’ve known that there is something missing in my life for a very long time now. I’ve filled it with the wrong things, numbed it with the wrong things, ignored it to try and make other people happy instead of myself. But it always comes back.

I think we feel an emptiness in our hearts when the things that we love take the pieces we have given and leave. Because nothing can last forever, as hard as that is to remember. There is a tightness in my chest that I haven’t necessarily felt before. Maybe a last straw kind of tightness. It makes me want to run and leave all of the pieces behind that left me.

It’s difficult to be on the verge of tears at any moment and still want to make everyone that surrounds you smile. It’s fucking exhausting. Not getting the reciprocation that you know you deserve is fucking exhausting. And if you’re anything like me you throw yourself into your work but still can’t focus on actually getting it done. Everything you’ve ever started you’ve never finished because focus is required to make it to the end.

Is it so bad to be passionate about love? Whether there is a God or just Karma, I’m looking for a break here. Things always get figured out eventually and I will keep hold of the positive attitude that took so long for me to find. Because that’s the only thing keeping me afloat. That and hope. But this feeling of being a soldier of life is draining me of everything I’ve ever known or held onto.

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