My Butterflies Have Stage Fright

Remember back in younger years when we were all a little naive? Naive about the world and about our expectations of how it was going to work out. I personally wasn’t worried about how my life was going to work out. Because if you were like me you were completely naive and infatuated about the idea of love. If you were like me you gave love everything you had. Not once, not twice, but so many gosh darn times. So what did love give back to us and what do we have to show for it? I’d say it would be the inability to continue opening up.

I’ve met a boy. At 24 I still say boy, only to myself but I do. And this boy has opened up to me immediately. He’s been kind, sweet and very loving. He does things that are hard to find in the 20 something dating scene. Conversation, genuine interest, dates, attraction, introduction to friends.¬†Someone doing all of these things 5 years ago would have given me butterflies immediately. But now I don’t even realize he’s doing these things until I think about it 10 minutes later. I will literally stop myself long after a moment has passed and realize that what he just did 5 minutes ago was awesome. Where in the hell do I get off not getting butterflies immediately from things like that?!

Jaded is an awful word and an even more awful state of mind. I’ll be the first to admit that I am, too. Everyone that I have let in and genuinely cared about have hurt me, all in different ways. I still have dreams about being cheated on or lied to or about having my simple expectations shattered. I dream about these things because I am so passionate about love. But at this point it is downright terrifying to come to the realization of someone else opening up to me. It’s like my butterflies have stage fright. It breaks my own heart.

There is a silver lining in all of this though. I’m going to eventually let this person in and give him all I’ve got just like I always have. And if it doesn’t work out, once again my independence will pick my broken heart up and keep me moving. Love is hard on the heart but it does make the soul stronger. I do have that to be thankful for. I think love only teaches us lessons until we’re absolutely ready for it to teach us what it really feels like.


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